well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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