I think I died a long time ago.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
