2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
