I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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