Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
