3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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