Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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