Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
