remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
The power of my boobs compel you
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
