hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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