I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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