Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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