the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
