I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to wash the frat house off of me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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