I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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