One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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