someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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