I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
