you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
