I could have mohawked her pubes.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
