you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize