Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
