If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
