Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
