I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
