You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I am midnight drunk by noon
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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