all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
