he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
