life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
