Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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