Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
