forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
