He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
