I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
