remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
