My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
