Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
