I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
