The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
