In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
