i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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