The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just found puke in my bra..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
