our cab driver is having phone sex.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
