The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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