You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Randomize
