also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
