got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
