At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
