Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
