should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
